When you tell people you’re a sex therapist…

…generally the first question they ask is, “Sex therapy?!? What exactly do you do all day?”

This statement is usually accompanied by a knowing smirk. They look pretty disappointed when I tell them I help people improve their sex life by talking. I think usually they’re hoping that I’m a sex surrogate and can tell them interesting stories about my clients (for the record, I’d never do that).  Then they ask questions that are a little closer to home.

Usually most of the questions start with “Is it normal that…,” and you can fill in the blank there. For the record, the answer I give to most of these questions is unless it hurts you or someone else, then yes.

Recently, I was asked about the porn habits in a marriage.

A friend said, “I know my husband’s addicted to porn. He watches it every day.”

As a sex therapist and human being, I don’t have a problem with porn. I think ethical porn can be very enhancing for a couple’s sex life, not to mention a great way to learn new things when you’ve been in a monogamous relationship for many years. I also don’t believe in porn or sex addiction.

So, when a client comes to me and talks about being addicted to porn or sex, my first questions involve asking how the behaviors are affecting their lives. Sometimes, I think sex or porn is a tool a person uses in their life to deal with uncomfortable feelings or situations in their lives.

I think porn, like any other coping skill, can be negative or positive.

Exercise can be great for relieving stress, but if you’re exercising 8-10 hours a day, that’s a problem.

So, if you’re worried about yourself or someone else with regards to sex or porn use, then ask, “Is this negatively affecting your life?” If you or your partner are watching so much porn that you’re not having sex anymore, then that might be a problem. If they’re using unsafe sex practices or going outside of the agreed upon rules of your relationship, then that’s a problem.

If you’ve decided your sex practices or porn use is a problem for you, or your loved one decides the same, then it’s probably a good idea to get help with a sex therapist to talk about the sex issues and underlying causes.

But, if it’s not a problem, maybe you could look at it as an opportunity to share something new together.