I think this question is at the heart of every session when a couple comes to see me.
It can be extremely difficult to try and make that determination when you think your relationship has run its course.
It may not even be that you’re fighting more, it might be that the fighting has stopped, and you just don’t know what to say to each other anymore.
There are many reasons that you should fight to save your marriage, chief among them is that you still love this person, but there are also several “deal breakers” that signal you should seriously consider getting out of your relationship.
1. Any kind of abuse
This could be verbal abuse (your partner calls you names, curses at you or threatens you). Physical abuse (any intentional act causing injury or trauma), or emotional abuse (controlling, shaming, blaming, or purposely humiliating your partner). If you are experiencing any of these, please get help immediately. The relationship is not worth your safety and well-being.
2. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is when someone leads you to question your sanity. It is a form of manipulation. This is usually an attempt by one person to gain power over another. Staying in a relationship with someone who gaslights you can lead you to feel like you are losing your mind. No relationship is worth your sanity.
3. Serial unfaithfulness
Anyone can make a mistake, and it is possible to work through an affair, but if your partner is having multiple affairs, and despite saying they will stop, doesn’t stop, it’s probably time cut your losses. Eventually their unfaithfulness will damage your self-esteem and self-image. But believe me, their infidelity is NOT your fault.
4. Lack of sex, affection, or intimacy
If your partner is purposefully withholding sex or affection from you until you change or do something, this is a form of sexual abuse and it is definitely a form of manipulation. A complete lack of intimacy is a warning sign that the relationship may be over.
5. They change their mind about important life goals
Did you both decide to not have kids, and then one partner changes their mind? This can be extremely difficult because you may still love the person, but if they want something you are not willing to give, then it is best to allow them the chance to make themselves happy.
6. When the problems in your marriage spill over into other areas of your life
Maybe your job performance is starting to be affected by the problems in your marriage, or you notice a sharp decline in your health and stress level. You’re not sleeping or eating. Your relationships with family members may be affected also.
Maybe the decision is not as clear cut as the above examples, and you are still not sure if you should stay or go. It’s probably time to seek professional help. Short-term couples counseling can provide some clarity about whether or not you should continue your relationship.
Contact me today for more information about Short-term Couples therapy.
